No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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