i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
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Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
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Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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