ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
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some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
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I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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