Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
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