if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize