i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize