why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
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You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
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She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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