Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
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You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
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I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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