for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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