this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
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my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
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Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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