My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
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