Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
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I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
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My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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