She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
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Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
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I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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