Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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