youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
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He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
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I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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