Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
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I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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