last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
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i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
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Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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