dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
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