I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
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You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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