I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
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She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
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I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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