I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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