Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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