Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
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He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
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"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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