Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My hand turned me down
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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