I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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