just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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