I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
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It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
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If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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