I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
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