I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
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she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
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My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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