He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
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My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
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However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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