I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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