Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
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Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
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Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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