And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The air was thick with penises
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
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