If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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