just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
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Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
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Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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