Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
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I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
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I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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