I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
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They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
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Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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