Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
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LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
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You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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