i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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