I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
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Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
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I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You were trust falling into bushes
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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