Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
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i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
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Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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