I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
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when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
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I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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