$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
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just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
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You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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