i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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