Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize