I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
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you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
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There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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