Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize