What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
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Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
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Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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