he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
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someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
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i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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