Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
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One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
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You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
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